Relapse!

I just got off a three-pack bender.

(That's 60 cigarettes, for the uninitiated, but I doubt any readers of this "micro blog" didn't know that. )

My intial thought, as it related to this blog, was to not say anything and continue aggregating the "smoking news," as I call it, since I decided during the relapse I'd get back on the program ASAP (as soon as I had smoked the 3 packs I purchased at a local convenience store (Gold Coast 100 regulars, one of the cut-rate brands.)

Then I realized how stupid and dishonest that thinking was cause, really, what's the use of a no-smoking blog if you don't deal with relapse?

So here I am fessin' up.

Right now, as I type on Wednesday morning, I've entered Day 2.

So what happened on the relapse? Why'd it happen?

The short answer is I got angry.

So I was pissed and decided, fuck it, I need a cigarette!!

Why'd my brain tell me to do that?

Cause it told me I "needed" it, I guess. Cause it'd make it better, I guess? I knew on some level of rationality that this was nonsensical thinking, but on a baser level, that's definitely the message I was experiencing.

The 1st pack wasn't all that great. The 2nd pack was OK. By the third pack, I was enjoying it -- sort of, I think.

When the 3 pack stash was gone, I had a decision to make. It's the same old decision all smokers go through. Do I buy more?

I came close to re-upping, but decided, crap, I'm just delaying the inevitable (and making it worse) by continuing. I guess I better get back on the horse now, before I go another few years without quittin' again.

So here I am on Day II.

Let's get back to the cause of the relapse.

I got angry.

OK, that's something we all do, some more than others. We get angry. It doesn't matter why. (Wait! It does matter why, but that's a whole other topic for another time.)

Anger is an emotion, right?

So it's emotions I have to watch out for, eh, so far as it relates to stopping smoking.

OK, I'll buy that.

But there's something else going on at a different level. It's not just emotion. Or anger. It's fear. Yep, that's what I think goes on with addicts.

It's the fear that, "Oh my God, I won't be alright unless I (fill in the blank)" ... smoke, or whatever your addictive behavior may be ... when actually, I will be alright; I may be uncomfortable for awhile, but in due course, I'll be OK.

I guess that's what I have to keep in mind.